Friday....

Today is Friday January 22 2016. I am sitting at my desk at work, reflecting on my life as a whole. What am I doing with my life, who am I, will I be missed when I am gone, was I a good person, what does it all mean.

There are many thing I need to change in my life, and I am going to list them here.

1. Stop rubbing one out at work.

2. Quit chewing tobacco.

3. Save money/put money away for a rainy day.

4. Work harder at my job.

5. Be a better father, spend more time with my children. 

6. Buy a new house. 

7. Loss weight

8. Be more healthy over all. 

Now that we have the list, how about we talk about each one individually. 

Topic 1

Well, nothing has got better since the last time I posted. I pretty much rub one out everyday I am in the office. I don't know what my problem is, am I sexual deviant? Do I just get bored? Am I not having enough sex at home? What is the issue? How do I correct it? I was able to restrain myself a little today. I only did it once.

Topic 2

Last week, my boss pulled me into his office and told me I needed to stop chewing at work. This last for about 2 hours. I came in on Monday and I did not have a dip for most of the day. This was somewhat of a win in my book. Tuesday was about the same, I think I only had one the whole day. Then came Wednesday, one of my coworkers called in sick yet again. This was, I believe the 10th time since he started a year ago. I am down a little bit from what I had been doing in the past, but like I said above, it is Friday. This means I will be ripping movies tonight, and I will be bored while I do it. I will need something to do while I am ripping movies, and it will probably be throwing a dip in.

Topic 3

As of right now, there is $8000 in the savings account my wife and I share. All of that money came from a severance payment my wife received when she was released from her job at the end November. We received the payment a little over a month ago, and I have tried my best not to touch it. At the same time, we want to put a down payment on a new house, we are going to Alabama in about 2 months, and I want to take my wife on a vacation to the Dominican Republic for our 10 year wedding anniversary.

subtopic 3a. 

Who knew my wife and I would make it to 10 years (we are not there yet, but it is looking pretty good). I am sure there is more than one person who did not think we would make it this far. There are days I am not sure we will make it to 10 years. 

Back to Topic 3

Sorry, I got off topic there for a moment. Saving money is something I really need to do, but I am not sure how to do it. Should I take certain amount money out of each paycheck? My wife and I spend pretty much every dollar that we make. I was taken aback the other day when I realized how much money we spend on our credit cards. We spent over $30,000 in 2015 on our credit cards. Now this is on all the cards total, and there are a lot of them. 

Topic 4

Topic 5

Topic 6

Topic 7

Topic 8

And one that is not listed above. I need to blog more. I am going to make the effort this year to blog at the very least once a week. I enjoy going back through my previous blog post, and see what I talked about in the past. Not much has really changed, and I still do many of the things I have said in here I need to change. But I think going back and reading this blog on occasion makes me realize how much of a problem I have and how badly I need to change thing.

What the fuck are you doing with your life - get it all out.

This post is not going to have any order to it, it is just going to be all my thoughts thrown at the wall at once.

Today is Tuesday April 7th, it is approximately 11:50pm. I am sitting in my bed with my wife sleeping right next to me, and I have no idea what I am doing with my life.

I truly believe I am a complete waste of life and payroll at my job. I really do not know what I want to do with my life. I love my job, but everyday, I go into the bathroom and rub one out. This happens everyday. Do I need to talk to someone about this. Today alone, I jacked off 3 times at my office. This is a serious problem that I need to get under control.

I feel like such a piece of shit after I am done. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to kill myself, I don't think. I just don't know what I am doing any more. What should I do??

I took Carter to flag football practice today, and it was just weird, what was I doing? Why was I even there? There was no point for me to be there.

Drinking doesn't help.

Jacking off doesn't help.

My neck always hurts, I am fat, I spend so much money. I hate my house. I love my kids, but they are little shits some times.

Kuper is a little shit, but he is so cute and he means well I think. He beats the kids around him, he is definitely behind everyone else in his class. I don't think he is dumb. Dumb is not the correct word for it. Kuper is lazy like me, or he just doesn't care, like me.

March 6th, it is clean!

Today is or tonight is March 6th 2015. This is the end of the week that Laura and I took off to clean our house. I think it has been the most productive week the two of us have had since we got married. We got the whole house clean, we got completely caught up on all of our laundry, and we got all the “junk” out of our house. The house looks so much better now, I can’t believe how much we got done and how much more comfortable I am in the house. It almost feels like we have doubled in size. I sleep a little better now that all of this is done. There are no huge piles of laundry sitting everywhere. There is no dog crap laying around, and the house doesn’t smell like dog piss anymore. Our house is just clean, and it feels so damn good. I love it. I am so proud of myself and especially Laura. Laura really stepped up this whole week and got stuff done. She cleaned up a ton of stuff, she got a ton and I do mean a ton of laundry done. We got so much stuff done that had been building up over the last 3 or 4 years. I feel so much more comfortable walking in the door. Yes, it did cost me a little bit to get all this done, but I believe it was worth almost every penny. I think we may have spent a little more than I had originally planned, but again it was worth it. The house feel much more like a home now. One other big thing that gone done this week, was we got the dog fixed. This was a long time in the making, and needed to really get done sooner than it actually did. But it is done now. 

This summer, we are going to drive to Florida to spend a week in Orlando with my family. I am very much looking forward to this time away. Yes, Laura and I did take this past week off, and yes, we did not “do anything” today. But the rest of the week, we were very busy working on the house. It will be nice to actually have some real time off and get some time to relax. Though I do not know how much actual time we will have to relax since we are driving down there and we are taking our children with us. What I am really looking forward to, is seeing my old friend Mitch. I have not seen him in almost 3 years. It will be amazing to see him, even if it is only for a few hours. We are planning to meet him and his family in Memphis for a day on our way home from Orlando. 

Now on to my father. What can I say, he is still the same old Jay Schwartz. It must really suck to be him, I don’t want to spend any time talking about him. Just know, it is March 6th, I have not spoke to him in 3 weeks and I am good with that. 

SOA and other shit

Tonight I want to talk about a couple of different things. Much like the other nights I have written in here, I have a few different things to talk about.

The first thing on my mind is the SOA series finale. The episode aired this evening, and I think it was a fitting end to the story. Jax tied a bunch of loose ends up and then ran his bike into an on coming semi truck. For me, I think this was a fitting end to the story. Jax had done a lot of "bad" stuff, and needed to "die". I really enjoyed the ride the show took me on over the last couple of years. I really didn't get into the show until late, I believe it was about 2 years ago I started watching.

The other thing I wanted to talk about was, just my life in general. What the hell am I doing with my life?

Early Post....

I decided I didn't want to wait until later today to post something. I just got back to my desk from doing it for the 2nd time today. I also have a dip of chewing tobacco in right now. I think I need to do something else, what I am currently doing is not work. Maybe I need to talk to someone. I know I can't talk to Laura about it, she wouldn't understand. I think it might come from fear that I am going to do something wrong at work, or maybe I am just lazy and can't sit still. I was hoping with the medication switch my doctor prescribed me it would help, but I have given the new script two days and it doesn't seem to help at all. Today I even added 2 of my "other" pills to the mix, maybe the combination of the two will help. Who knows for sure. I really think what I need to do is go talk to someone. I have never talked to someone in the past about my issue, I have just kept it on the inside. I don't think anyone know about my issue, maybe some of my co-workers have an idea what is going on but none of them KNOW what I am doing each day.

I just can't still for very long right now, I have to get up and walk about. Damn you ADD!

On a side note, I am supposed to get the two below lego sets, but they probably will not come today. I will have to take pictures once I get the sets. I also told my wife to have my mother-in-law order this new lego book for me. The book looks really interesting and I think it will help me with my end goal of building my own lego city like in the "Lego Movie".

I got nothing.....

I really do not have a lot to talk about tonight. Today was a pretty dull and boring day. Work was pretty dull and boring. I got into work around 8am and left around left around 5pm. Like I said, I really got nothing to write tonight. I am even struggling to write this much. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Actually, there is something I can talk a little about. In previous post I had spoke about my masturbation habits and my chewing tobacco addiction. Well, much like the last couple of days, I have revered back to my bad habits. I rubbed one out 3 different times today and i stopped at QT on my way into the office to grab a new can of chew.

Also, when i spoke with my doctor last week, he switched my ADD medication and he upped my cholesterol medication. Beyond that, I lead an extremely boring life. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. Fingers crossed it will be something more exciting that today. Here's hoping!

What the FUCK!!!!

Yesterday morning I took my children with me to go get my hair cut. They were both pretty good when we were at the barbershop. They had some trouble sitting still, but other than that they did pretty well.
After the barbershop, the boys and I came home to meet Laura. I need to back up a little bit. Every once in a while, Laura will wake me up on a Saturday or Sunday morning when she is feeling horny and will want to have sex first thing in the morning. I am not one to decline sex, so about 99.9% of the time I am happy to oblige her. This past was not exception. We went at it for a little while, then Laura told me she wanted to go get her nails done. This was perfectly fine with me as I stated earlier, I need to get my hair cut. Normally I cut my own hair, but every once in a while, I want to get it professionally done.
Now back to my story, I get home from my hair cut and Laura is still horny. So I go up stairs, and she have sex again. Happy morning for me, normally I don't get laid 2 times in one day. I thought it was going to be the start of a great day. Thought being the operative word here. When I came down stairs after my "session", I had the feeling something was off, it also smelled distinctly like pee. Well, I took at one of my red 32oz mugs, and there was a little liquid in the bottom of it. I asked the boys what happened, and Carter informed me that Kuper had an "accident" and used my cup as a urinal. At this point, I was pissed but it struck me as kind of odd for a couple of reasons. One, why would Kuper pee in my cup, there was an open bathroom 15 feet away? Two, this is off character even for Kuper, he has never done this in the past and when he gets in trouble he normally fesses up to it fairly quickly. Well he blamed his brother and his brother blamed him. Since neither one of them who tell me who did it, I punished both of them. We left the house with me still pretty angry. We went out for lunch at BWW, and all through lunch they still both blamed each other. After lunch, Laura wanted to take a look at the new Nordstrom's rack that opened near us. As I am not one to be a big shopper, I dropped her off and said I was going to go get gas and return a couple of movies we had rented the night before. Carter decided he wanted to go with his mother, and Kuper would go for a ride with me. I took this as my opportunity to grill Kuper a little on what happened. Like a good little boy and after a little bit of bribery on my part, Kuper told me that Carter was the one who peed in my cup. I tend to believe Kuper, like I stated above, Kuper usually does not lie to be, if you ask him what happened, he tends to tell me (even if he did it) what happened. I usually believe Kuper since he does not lie. Lying is usually what Carter does to save his ass. So after Kuper and I got gas about 20 minutes had passed, I called Laura to make sure she was ok and that everything was going as planned. In the back of my mind, I wanted to pick Carter up and grill him a little more without his mother being present. Well, Carter was being his normal self and only wanted to look at the toys. So I was going to pick him up and let Laura continue to go shopping. Laura has other plans, she was done shopping and just wanted me to pick both of them up. I did as I was told and went over to Nordstrom's to pick both of them up. When I did, I told Laura what Kuper told me and wanted to get her opinion on the matter. Laura agreed with me that Kuper doesn't tend to lie and so we both dug into Carter a little more. After this, Carter confessed he was the one who peed in my cup. What I really don't understand, is what would possess a little boy to pee in a cup. Carter didn't have an answer for me. In the end, the story goes like this. Carter had to go to the bathroom, but was too lazy to walk to the bathroom so he peed in the cup. Then once he did it, he walked over to the bathroom and dumped out the pee in the toilet. Yes, you heard me right he walked over to the open toilet and dumped the fucking pee in the toilet. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

Now fast forward to this evening. I made a pretty good meal for my family, spaghetti with red sauce, garlic bread, and white sauce for my wife (truly I heated up some left over white sauce for Laura). After dinner, Laura worked on reading a book with Carter and I worked with Kuper on his writing (Kuper has horrible hand writing, and it is something his teacher wanted us to work on this him). After we did our "homework", Laura and I sent the boys up to their work to read some books and relax in their room. After about 5 or 10 minutes, Carter came down stairs and told Laura and I that Kuper had peed in his hand and then threw it on his bed. Well after yesterday's incident, I did not believe Carter that is what happened, and it turned out I was right. At this point, I really lost my shit! Not to get into all the details, Carter go some water somewhere and he put it on Kuper's bed. How we figured this out, there was a huge wet spot in Carter's bed as well. Laura don't know what to do now, and neither do I. I mean if I was that age again, my mother would have beat me with a wooden spoon.  I would have cried for a while, but I would have learned my lesson and I never would have done it again. I mean , I am 34 years old and my mother still scares me a little. Actually that is not true, my mother does not scare me, I just have a ton of respect for her and I would not do anything like that to her.

So now it is almost 9 o'clock and I need to go up and talk to my children, but I have no idea what to say to them. Carter is a little shit is all I can think and Kuper just keep getting caught up in the cross fire. Kuper is not innocent by any means, he drew on his walls today after Laura and I both told him many time that the marks are only for writing on paper. I just don't know what to do with these kids anymore. It takes everything in me not to beat them.

Short and Sweet

I broke down and did both today. I spent over an hour in the restroom today, and I bought a new can of chew.

You can call me Alexander Dumas

I am tired this evening, so I am going to make this post a short one. First off, I broke down today and rubbed one out while I was working this afternoon. I sat in the bathroom like I had done in the past, waited for everyone to leave and then went about my business. I was in there for a little over an hour, it was not the most pleasant of experiences. I was doing ok, I did not rub one out on Wednesday but today was different. I just got bored sitting at my desk so I decided I need to do it. I will try again tomorrow not to do it. Like I said in the previous post, I will take it one day at a time. I also broke down today on the way back from my doctor's appointment and purchased another can of chewing tobacco. Like with my masturbating problem, I made it a couple of hours without my addiction. Again I will try to do better tomorrow, but it is not looking to good. Now I have a half of a can that needs to get chewed. 

On a side note, today was beggars night in DSM. I sat at my sister-in-law's house and handed out candy while my wife took my two children trick or treating. Then we went over to my sister's house and walked around her neighborhood trick or treating. It was nice to be outside walking around with my children. I really do enjoy being outside and active with my children. Carter (my 7 year old) was Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas", Kuper (my 5 year old) was Marshal from "Paw Patrol". They both looked awesome in their costumes, and had a really good time trick or treating. There was actually one woman who was really impressed with Kuper and his manners when he went up to one of the houses. I love those boys so much and want to make sure they have the best memories I can give them. I think my wife and I are doing a pretty good so far. Laura seems to have a pretty short fuse with them both, but other than that she is the most amazing mother. I am a very luck man to have 2 great boys and an amazing wife.

That is all for tonight, I want to get to my iPhone games and go to bed. I am one tired boy. 

Addiction, SF Giants, Childserv, and the Dr.

As the title of this post states, I plan to talk about addiction, the San Francisco Giant, volunteering at Childserv, and my doctor's appointment which I have tomorrow (10/30/14). But first, I would like to talk about my masturbation habits. As I have stated in previous posts, I have a problem with rubbing one out at work. Well, today I was able to refrain from rubbing one out. I was very close, but someone walked in the bathroom and I decided not to do it. I hope if I keep writing in here about my problem, I will be able to overcome this issue and stop masturbating at work. One day down, a million more to go. One day at a time I guess.

   Now that I have that out of the way I can talk about the other things I would like to tonight. First I want to talk about my other addiction. I chew tobacco! I go through about a full can of Copenhagen Extra Long Cut Natural every other day. I actually have a dip in right now as I am writing this. I told myself many years ago I would not every be addicted to anything. I really don't have a sweet tooth, I don't smoke cigarettes (mainly because my asthma does not allow me to), I don't drink to excess, I don't even drink what I would consider a lot. Yes, I am over weight, but I don't think I am really addicted to anything other than chewing tobacco. I have been chewing this brand for the last 5 years (I think). Before that, I chewed a different brand. I have been chewing in general for the last 10 or 15 years. I think I have been doing it since I was in college. Chewing tobacco does scare me. I am afraid I will get lip, throat, stomach, etc. cancer at any point. I just can't stop doing it though. I have tried in the past, but every time I come back to my old friend. I really do need to quite this, unlike my other addiction, this one could actually keep me or at the very least permanently scar my body. I know my wife thinks it is gross and I don't want my kids to EVER start doing it. Just like any other form of addiction, once you start it is damn near impossible to quite. Maybe like my other addiction, if I talk about it here I will realize what a big deal it is and I will quite on my own. It is already working to an extent. I just took out my dip and tossed it in a cup so I can't put it back in.

   Now on to the World Champion San Francisco Giants. Yes, the Giants won their third world series title in the last 5 years. They won in 2010, 2012 and now in 2014. I was rooting for the Giants to win for most of the playoff since the Cubbies and the Sox (my favorite teams) were not in the playoffs this year. Then a funny thing happened towards the end of the world series. I started rooting for KC a little bit. I mean they have not won a WS since 1985, and KC is much closer to DSM than SF is. Anyway, I won a bet with my 7 year old son. I get the great honor of choosing where I take my family to dinner tomorrow night before we go out trick or treating. I think I got the raw end of this deal. Basically I lose either way I guess. I still have to take them out for dinner and I will probably just pick up McDonalds for them.

   Childserv is the old Children Habilitation Center (CHC) I used to volunteer at when I was in high school. I volunteered there this afternoon. I handed out little bags of cotton candy. I did this with a bunch of people from my office, I think there was 20 or 30 people from my office. We did it for a United Way week. I doubt I made any kind of a difference in any of the kids lives, but it made me feel good. I felt like I was giving back just a little to the great state I live in. I also felt bad for all the kids I saw today. They will never know what it is like to be a "normal" kid. They will never be able to run around like "normal" kids, play ball with their dads. Some don't even get to live with their family. There was some kids I met today who live at the community. They never get to leave. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I was able to bring both of my children home with me from the hospital. Neither one of them have any major problem. Both live pretty normal lives. I am thankful everyday I have such great boys. If I learned anything today, it was that I need to appreciate my child and what I have. It could be a lot worse.

   The last thing I am going to talk about tonight, is my doctor's appointment that is scheduled for 11:30am tomorrow. The main reason I am talking about it now, is that I need to lose some weight. I need to get my fat ass in gear and lose 100 or so pounds. I am uncomfortable most day because of my weight. It has effected my sex life and my attitude most days. It doesn't help that I have a herniated disk in my neck so my arms go numb most days. But that is no excuse, I just need to start working out again. I already pay for the YMCA membership, it is about damn time I use it.

Topics....

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The Father, the son... Who is the better parent?

It has been a few years since I posted, but I figured now is a good time to start again. First off, I have a new job, I love where I work now. I work with a wonderful group of people, I may be a little over my head, but I am good. I like what I do, and I think I am doing a good job. I feel like I am not as "technology" savvy as the rest of the people in my department, but if I work hard, I will get there someday. I still ask a lot of question, but I think I am getting better at what I do.

This is the first time I have put it down on paper, but I think I have a problem when it comes to masturbation. I jack off at least once a day at work, sometimes even more. I go into the restroom with my iphone and look up all kind of pornography. I always masturbate to a movie, but sometime I start with a few pictures. I am usually gone for an hour and I try to do it over my lunch hour. I am sure there are people who think they know what I am doing, or have some kind of speculation, but I have not been caught yet. This has gone on for years now. I think the first time I did it was 8 years ago, maybe more. I have a problem, and I have no idea how to correct it. I am hesitate even putting it into this blog. No one reads this except me, Laura just found out about it today (5/1/14). I don't talk about it with anyone. I have made up excuses in the past as to why I disappear for an hour each day. What do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I just suck it up and say be a man about it. Quite doing this shit, get your head out of your ass??? Maybe actually putting it down somewhere will help. Man I hope so, I guess we will see tomorrow.

Now to the real reason I starting writing in this blog again. Today is May 1st, 2014. My biological father moved back to Des Moines in November of 2012. He was very sick (I think), and his sister who he has lived with for how ever many years kicked him out and said he could not come back. He had no place to go, no where to live. His mother died in 1995, he lived in her house for a number of years. But then my mother was able to take his house, because he never paid child support for my sisters and I. He is a worthless asshole. He had a wife, he had a family in Iowa. He just picked up one day when I was 5 or 6 and decided he didn't want to do it any more. He hardly ever called me, I would visit him from time to time, but I have never really had a relationship with him.  I really just don't have any feelings for him other than I feel sorry for him and I know I never ever want to be anything like him. He lives in a tiny one room shit hole apartment (3 blocks from my parents' house). He is on constant dialysis. He is on permanent disability, so not a lot of money coming in. No car, no job, no life. I mean, how does he live???

My sister is going out of town this weekend, and she would like me to take my phone to the grocery store so he can get food. She will actually be gone the next 2 weekends, so I will have to take him more than once. The problem with this, is he doesn't call me, he hardly ever calls me. He and I's relationship has not really changed since he moved here. It is not my job to call him, he needs something, he needs to call me. I need absolutely nothing from him!!!! So, what do I do? Should I call him, do I really need to call this worthless piece of shit hermit?  I believe I have to, man this fucking sucks!!!! I don't want to call him, I want him to realize and tell me he is sorry. He is sorry he was never there for me. He is sorry I look up to my best friend's father more than my own old man. He is sorry I yelled a my mother because I thought he didn't love me. He is sorry he went to Florida, Colorado, and Arizona. He is grateful for my sisters, because if it was up to me he could rot in Arizona.

I have to great and wonderful boys of my own. If my father has taught me anything, and I do mean anything, it is that I need to be there for my boys. A father is not just the guy who had sex with your mother. A father is the guy you look up to, the guy who shows you how to play sports, the guy you fear will beat the crap out of you, the guy who loves you no matter what you do. He tucks you in at night, he plays ball with you, he takes you to the ball game. You have the feeling nothing can or will hurt you when he is around. He may be a dick from time to time but you know for a fact if you ever really get in the shit, he will be the first one to help you out. THIS IS WHAT I STRIVE FOR, it is also what I have never gotten from my father.

In the end, I guess I will be the better MAN. I will pick up the phone tomorrow, call my little fuck tard of a father and be the person he needs. Now that is something!

Moron!

Ok, so I think I might have spent too much money yesterday on my new habit! I bought a whole pork loin, two whole chickens, 3 racks of ribs, and a whole beef brisket. Last night, I rubbed down all the meat and put it into a big rubbermade bid out in the garage. Then this morning I put some snow of top to keep it all cold.

I hope this turns out ok. I have very high hopes.

February 25th, 2010

So I think I finally figured out what this blog is going to be about. I purchased a new smoker over the weekend and I am venturing into the world of smoking meats this weekend. Tonight my wife and I are going to Costco to purchase meat, and on Sunday I will be firing up the smoker. I am a little scare, because I want my meat to be good. I think it will take me a little while to get to the form I want, but I am hopeful. I think we are going to start with pork ribs, a couple whole chickens, maybe a pork loin, and maybe a beef brisket. I have been searching websites for good recipes, and good techniques.

Here is a picture of the smoker

OK, never mind, I can't get the picture to populate.

Anyway, it is a glorious smoker and I am very excited to use it.

I will keep you posted on the results come Monday. That reminds me of a song!

Oh and it's five o'clock somewhere. That reminds me of another song.

P.S. as you can see I was able to load the picture.

February 15th

So it is about 5pm, I am sitting a work, working hard on making calls. My day at work is almost over, I have about an hour left. Then I am going to head to the grocery store and grabs some stuff for cheese burgers.

There is absolutely nothing interesting in my life right now. I get up, take the kids to day care, get ready for work, work, come home, eat dinner, and then go to bed. I keep telling myself boring is good, boring pays the bills and puts food on the table. But, I need some excitement in my life. What I really need is a better, more "fun", higher paying job. I need to work hard at finding said new job. Otherwise I am going to be 40 and still stuck in the same crappy job. So I think I am going to turn this blog into a way for me to vent my anger and work on getting a new job. Everyday, I will work on getting a better job. Figuring out ways to better myself and get a better higher paying job. Oh who the hell am I kidding, I won't do any of that. I should, but I probably won't. I am such a lazy piece of crap.

November 8th, 2009

So it is officially 2:30 in the morning and I can not sleep. It has been a while since I updated last. Let me update you on what has gone on.

First off, we (my whole family) went to Siesta Key FL. It was an interesting trip, I had a lot of fun but while we were there we found out that my father-in-law almost died. Now I did not want my father-in-law to die, but and I know this sounds bad, he ruined my vacation. It was supposed to be a nice week long beach trip. What it turned into was a 6 day headache. We got the call about 24 hours after we got to FL. Two days later, we almost came home and we actually came home a day early. I didn't get to just chill while we were down there, I was on edge the whole time. Do we come home, is he ok, what is going on. It was not fun at all. Yes there was some good parts, we got to see the ocean, we go to go on a nice boat ride, swim, play in the sand. But the whole trip seemed like a waste and I knew my wife wanted to be home.

I just have some many thing running through my mind right now. My back hurts like a mother fucker, I have a headache, my house is a mess, I feel like my wife is lying to me all the time and pissing away every penny we have, my son is be coming a spoiled little brat. What else..... there are just so many things. The other day I told my boss how much I hate my job. My job seems like such a waste of time, and I am so much better than it. I know I need to work hard, but I just have no motivation. This coming Wednesday I am going to go to a QA meeting and I hope I meet someone who can help me get a new job back in the QA community. I know something will come sometime, but when? How much longer do I have to wait?

What else can I talk about. My wife and I have no money, none, we can hardly pay our bills and it is not going to get better anytime soon. I hope things get better soon. I am a pretty happy guy, but on the inside I am going crazy, don't know what to do@!

September 9th

So, last night my father-in-law had a minor stroke or at least that is what we thought it was at first. It turned out that it was bleeding on his brain, which acted like a stroke. He was very disoriented and couldn't move the left side of his body when I got to his house. I met the ambulance at his house and ran inside to see what was going on. We were at the hospital until 1:30 this morning, so I am dragging a little bit this morning.

I know it sounds bad, but my main concern right now is what am I going to do with my boys for day care. I am not sure the wife and I can afford to send them to day care. Who knows what is going to happen, I am a little overwhelmed right now. I guess we will see what happens.

Also, I had an ultrasound done on my liver this morning. I think everything turned out ok, but I am not entirely sure. I guess, again, we will see what happens.

August 24th

So it is Monday morning, and I am sitting at my "new" desk on the first floor of NW. I started my new hours this morning, (8:30am to 5pm). I think I am the only one here right now. I know there should be other people here, but I have no idea where they are.

Laura called the internet company this morning, and it looks like we will have internet and a phone again soon. Now I can look for jobs and surf porn in the comfort of my own home. I believe it has been close to 2 year since we have had phone and internet service in the Schwartz household.

May 14th

Well, I guess there is a lot of stuff to update on. First off I will be a father again on June 9th, my wife and I are having a scheduled c-section. It will be interesting with two boys under the age of 3. This is not the way I planned my life at all, but I guess you have to roll with the punches. I am very excited to have another little boy. But this is it, two and done. I love my son, and I am sure my new boy will be great, but I want to be done after two. I think in August (if time permits) I am going to get snipped. My wife on the other hand is not so sure, I think she is holding out hope to have another child. She wants a little girl. Maybe I will look into freezing sperm, but it will depend on the cost. Like I said before, I love kids, but I would like to have some fun. I have found out kids are great, but there is only so many things you can do with them.

I tried to quit chewing, and it lasted for a few days. But, I am stressed out on a regular basis, and chewing tobacco is my out let. It takes my mind off of some of the things that bother. I am going to keep trying. Maybe when the new baby gets here I will try to quit again.

In one of the previous blog posts I talked about a trial my mother was going through. As far as I am told, everything went well, but they won't hear the final answer until September or October. So I am going to be somewhat on edge until then. I don't think my parents are telling me the whole truth. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Right now, I am going through a personal dilemma. I was offered and took a new job with NW. I am not really happy about the position, but I need to put food on the table and with my current position I am afraid I am going to get fired any day. I have been "on the bench" for almost two months now, and it doesn't look like they are going to find anything for me. I am trying to learn as much as I can about software testing, but my mind drifts. I feel like such a waste of space everyday. I come into work, and most of the day I play on the Internet, or play games on my laptop. At the end of everyday I tell myself tomorrow is going to be different. Then I come in, in the morning and waste another day. It is no one's fault but my own. What can I do to motivate myself? I Tell myself to get my sh!t right, but it just doesn't work. Maybe it is the fact that I think I am going to get fired at any minute and I don't want to invest any more time into this position. At the same time, I don't want to get fired. I love my job. I guess I have a few "wishes" right now.

1. "They" find a contract for me.
2. I find something else, a better, higher paying job.
3. The NW job is something that turns into something better real quick (I don't think this is going to happen).
4. I win the lottery, and I don't have to work (I know this won't happen, I don't even play the lottery).

I know everything is going to be ok, I just wish it would speed up and be ok now. I have to stay positive, other wise I will be a wreck.

April 29th

I talked to both my mother and my sister yesterday, and they told me the trial went well. There are still 2 days left, so I am trying to stay optimistic. Who know what is going to happen.

Last night I decided to go to a career fair downtown. I think it was worth while to an extent. WF was there, and I talked to a woman there who I hope will help me. The woman at Banker's Trust was very rude, I was trying to feel out what position they had available. When I went up to her and did know exactly what I wanted to do, she jumped down my throat. Telling me I need to know what I want, and not make the employer guess. Well, I would do that, but I don't know how I can fit into your organization. It is a little hard to know what I want to do when I don't know what you have.

Another day, another time to read through QC. It is so much fun.