The Father, the son... Who is the better parent?

It has been a few years since I posted, but I figured now is a good time to start again. First off, I have a new job, I love where I work now. I work with a wonderful group of people, I may be a little over my head, but I am good. I like what I do, and I think I am doing a good job. I feel like I am not as "technology" savvy as the rest of the people in my department, but if I work hard, I will get there someday. I still ask a lot of question, but I think I am getting better at what I do.

This is the first time I have put it down on paper, but I think I have a problem when it comes to masturbation. I jack off at least once a day at work, sometimes even more. I go into the restroom with my iphone and look up all kind of pornography. I always masturbate to a movie, but sometime I start with a few pictures. I am usually gone for an hour and I try to do it over my lunch hour. I am sure there are people who think they know what I am doing, or have some kind of speculation, but I have not been caught yet. This has gone on for years now. I think the first time I did it was 8 years ago, maybe more. I have a problem, and I have no idea how to correct it. I am hesitate even putting it into this blog. No one reads this except me, Laura just found out about it today (5/1/14). I don't talk about it with anyone. I have made up excuses in the past as to why I disappear for an hour each day. What do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I just suck it up and say be a man about it. Quite doing this shit, get your head out of your ass??? Maybe actually putting it down somewhere will help. Man I hope so, I guess we will see tomorrow.

Now to the real reason I starting writing in this blog again. Today is May 1st, 2014. My biological father moved back to Des Moines in November of 2012. He was very sick (I think), and his sister who he has lived with for how ever many years kicked him out and said he could not come back. He had no place to go, no where to live. His mother died in 1995, he lived in her house for a number of years. But then my mother was able to take his house, because he never paid child support for my sisters and I. He is a worthless asshole. He had a wife, he had a family in Iowa. He just picked up one day when I was 5 or 6 and decided he didn't want to do it any more. He hardly ever called me, I would visit him from time to time, but I have never really had a relationship with him.  I really just don't have any feelings for him other than I feel sorry for him and I know I never ever want to be anything like him. He lives in a tiny one room shit hole apartment (3 blocks from my parents' house). He is on constant dialysis. He is on permanent disability, so not a lot of money coming in. No car, no job, no life. I mean, how does he live???

My sister is going out of town this weekend, and she would like me to take my phone to the grocery store so he can get food. She will actually be gone the next 2 weekends, so I will have to take him more than once. The problem with this, is he doesn't call me, he hardly ever calls me. He and I's relationship has not really changed since he moved here. It is not my job to call him, he needs something, he needs to call me. I need absolutely nothing from him!!!! So, what do I do? Should I call him, do I really need to call this worthless piece of shit hermit?  I believe I have to, man this fucking sucks!!!! I don't want to call him, I want him to realize and tell me he is sorry. He is sorry he was never there for me. He is sorry I look up to my best friend's father more than my own old man. He is sorry I yelled a my mother because I thought he didn't love me. He is sorry he went to Florida, Colorado, and Arizona. He is grateful for my sisters, because if it was up to me he could rot in Arizona.

I have to great and wonderful boys of my own. If my father has taught me anything, and I do mean anything, it is that I need to be there for my boys. A father is not just the guy who had sex with your mother. A father is the guy you look up to, the guy who shows you how to play sports, the guy you fear will beat the crap out of you, the guy who loves you no matter what you do. He tucks you in at night, he plays ball with you, he takes you to the ball game. You have the feeling nothing can or will hurt you when he is around. He may be a dick from time to time but you know for a fact if you ever really get in the shit, he will be the first one to help you out. THIS IS WHAT I STRIVE FOR, it is also what I have never gotten from my father.

In the end, I guess I will be the better MAN. I will pick up the phone tomorrow, call my little fuck tard of a father and be the person he needs. Now that is something!

Moron!

Ok, so I think I might have spent too much money yesterday on my new habit! I bought a whole pork loin, two whole chickens, 3 racks of ribs, and a whole beef brisket. Last night, I rubbed down all the meat and put it into a big rubbermade bid out in the garage. Then this morning I put some snow of top to keep it all cold.

I hope this turns out ok. I have very high hopes.

February 25th, 2010

So I think I finally figured out what this blog is going to be about. I purchased a new smoker over the weekend and I am venturing into the world of smoking meats this weekend. Tonight my wife and I are going to Costco to purchase meat, and on Sunday I will be firing up the smoker. I am a little scare, because I want my meat to be good. I think it will take me a little while to get to the form I want, but I am hopeful. I think we are going to start with pork ribs, a couple whole chickens, maybe a pork loin, and maybe a beef brisket. I have been searching websites for good recipes, and good techniques.

Here is a picture of the smoker

OK, never mind, I can't get the picture to populate.

Anyway, it is a glorious smoker and I am very excited to use it.

I will keep you posted on the results come Monday. That reminds me of a song!

Oh and it's five o'clock somewhere. That reminds me of another song.

P.S. as you can see I was able to load the picture.

February 15th

So it is about 5pm, I am sitting a work, working hard on making calls. My day at work is almost over, I have about an hour left. Then I am going to head to the grocery store and grabs some stuff for cheese burgers.

There is absolutely nothing interesting in my life right now. I get up, take the kids to day care, get ready for work, work, come home, eat dinner, and then go to bed. I keep telling myself boring is good, boring pays the bills and puts food on the table. But, I need some excitement in my life. What I really need is a better, more "fun", higher paying job. I need to work hard at finding said new job. Otherwise I am going to be 40 and still stuck in the same crappy job. So I think I am going to turn this blog into a way for me to vent my anger and work on getting a new job. Everyday, I will work on getting a better job. Figuring out ways to better myself and get a better higher paying job. Oh who the hell am I kidding, I won't do any of that. I should, but I probably won't. I am such a lazy piece of crap.

November 8th, 2009

So it is officially 2:30 in the morning and I can not sleep. It has been a while since I updated last. Let me update you on what has gone on.

First off, we (my whole family) went to Siesta Key FL. It was an interesting trip, I had a lot of fun but while we were there we found out that my father-in-law almost died. Now I did not want my father-in-law to die, but and I know this sounds bad, he ruined my vacation. It was supposed to be a nice week long beach trip. What it turned into was a 6 day headache. We got the call about 24 hours after we got to FL. Two days later, we almost came home and we actually came home a day early. I didn't get to just chill while we were down there, I was on edge the whole time. Do we come home, is he ok, what is going on. It was not fun at all. Yes there was some good parts, we got to see the ocean, we go to go on a nice boat ride, swim, play in the sand. But the whole trip seemed like a waste and I knew my wife wanted to be home.

I just have some many thing running through my mind right now. My back hurts like a mother fucker, I have a headache, my house is a mess, I feel like my wife is lying to me all the time and pissing away every penny we have, my son is be coming a spoiled little brat. What else..... there are just so many things. The other day I told my boss how much I hate my job. My job seems like such a waste of time, and I am so much better than it. I know I need to work hard, but I just have no motivation. This coming Wednesday I am going to go to a QA meeting and I hope I meet someone who can help me get a new job back in the QA community. I know something will come sometime, but when? How much longer do I have to wait?

What else can I talk about. My wife and I have no money, none, we can hardly pay our bills and it is not going to get better anytime soon. I hope things get better soon. I am a pretty happy guy, but on the inside I am going crazy, don't know what to do@!

September 9th

So, last night my father-in-law had a minor stroke or at least that is what we thought it was at first. It turned out that it was bleeding on his brain, which acted like a stroke. He was very disoriented and couldn't move the left side of his body when I got to his house. I met the ambulance at his house and ran inside to see what was going on. We were at the hospital until 1:30 this morning, so I am dragging a little bit this morning.

I know it sounds bad, but my main concern right now is what am I going to do with my boys for day care. I am not sure the wife and I can afford to send them to day care. Who knows what is going to happen, I am a little overwhelmed right now. I guess we will see what happens.

Also, I had an ultrasound done on my liver this morning. I think everything turned out ok, but I am not entirely sure. I guess, again, we will see what happens.

August 24th

So it is Monday morning, and I am sitting at my "new" desk on the first floor of NW. I started my new hours this morning, (8:30am to 5pm). I think I am the only one here right now. I know there should be other people here, but I have no idea where they are.

Laura called the internet company this morning, and it looks like we will have internet and a phone again soon. Now I can look for jobs and surf porn in the comfort of my own home. I believe it has been close to 2 year since we have had phone and internet service in the Schwartz household.