You can call me Alexander Dumas

I am tired this evening, so I am going to make this post a short one. First off, I broke down today and rubbed one out while I was working this afternoon. I sat in the bathroom like I had done in the past, waited for everyone to leave and then went about my business. I was in there for a little over an hour, it was not the most pleasant of experiences. I was doing ok, I did not rub one out on Wednesday but today was different. I just got bored sitting at my desk so I decided I need to do it. I will try again tomorrow not to do it. Like I said in the previous post, I will take it one day at a time. I also broke down today on the way back from my doctor's appointment and purchased another can of chewing tobacco. Like with my masturbating problem, I made it a couple of hours without my addiction. Again I will try to do better tomorrow, but it is not looking to good. Now I have a half of a can that needs to get chewed. 

On a side note, today was beggars night in DSM. I sat at my sister-in-law's house and handed out candy while my wife took my two children trick or treating. Then we went over to my sister's house and walked around her neighborhood trick or treating. It was nice to be outside walking around with my children. I really do enjoy being outside and active with my children. Carter (my 7 year old) was Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas", Kuper (my 5 year old) was Marshal from "Paw Patrol". They both looked awesome in their costumes, and had a really good time trick or treating. There was actually one woman who was really impressed with Kuper and his manners when he went up to one of the houses. I love those boys so much and want to make sure they have the best memories I can give them. I think my wife and I are doing a pretty good so far. Laura seems to have a pretty short fuse with them both, but other than that she is the most amazing mother. I am a very luck man to have 2 great boys and an amazing wife.

That is all for tonight, I want to get to my iPhone games and go to bed. I am one tired boy. 

Addiction, SF Giants, Childserv, and the Dr.

As the title of this post states, I plan to talk about addiction, the San Francisco Giant, volunteering at Childserv, and my doctor's appointment which I have tomorrow (10/30/14). But first, I would like to talk about my masturbation habits. As I have stated in previous posts, I have a problem with rubbing one out at work. Well, today I was able to refrain from rubbing one out. I was very close, but someone walked in the bathroom and I decided not to do it. I hope if I keep writing in here about my problem, I will be able to overcome this issue and stop masturbating at work. One day down, a million more to go. One day at a time I guess.

   Now that I have that out of the way I can talk about the other things I would like to tonight. First I want to talk about my other addiction. I chew tobacco! I go through about a full can of Copenhagen Extra Long Cut Natural every other day. I actually have a dip in right now as I am writing this. I told myself many years ago I would not every be addicted to anything. I really don't have a sweet tooth, I don't smoke cigarettes (mainly because my asthma does not allow me to), I don't drink to excess, I don't even drink what I would consider a lot. Yes, I am over weight, but I don't think I am really addicted to anything other than chewing tobacco. I have been chewing this brand for the last 5 years (I think). Before that, I chewed a different brand. I have been chewing in general for the last 10 or 15 years. I think I have been doing it since I was in college. Chewing tobacco does scare me. I am afraid I will get lip, throat, stomach, etc. cancer at any point. I just can't stop doing it though. I have tried in the past, but every time I come back to my old friend. I really do need to quite this, unlike my other addiction, this one could actually keep me or at the very least permanently scar my body. I know my wife thinks it is gross and I don't want my kids to EVER start doing it. Just like any other form of addiction, once you start it is damn near impossible to quite. Maybe like my other addiction, if I talk about it here I will realize what a big deal it is and I will quite on my own. It is already working to an extent. I just took out my dip and tossed it in a cup so I can't put it back in.

   Now on to the World Champion San Francisco Giants. Yes, the Giants won their third world series title in the last 5 years. They won in 2010, 2012 and now in 2014. I was rooting for the Giants to win for most of the playoff since the Cubbies and the Sox (my favorite teams) were not in the playoffs this year. Then a funny thing happened towards the end of the world series. I started rooting for KC a little bit. I mean they have not won a WS since 1985, and KC is much closer to DSM than SF is. Anyway, I won a bet with my 7 year old son. I get the great honor of choosing where I take my family to dinner tomorrow night before we go out trick or treating. I think I got the raw end of this deal. Basically I lose either way I guess. I still have to take them out for dinner and I will probably just pick up McDonalds for them.

   Childserv is the old Children Habilitation Center (CHC) I used to volunteer at when I was in high school. I volunteered there this afternoon. I handed out little bags of cotton candy. I did this with a bunch of people from my office, I think there was 20 or 30 people from my office. We did it for a United Way week. I doubt I made any kind of a difference in any of the kids lives, but it made me feel good. I felt like I was giving back just a little to the great state I live in. I also felt bad for all the kids I saw today. They will never know what it is like to be a "normal" kid. They will never be able to run around like "normal" kids, play ball with their dads. Some don't even get to live with their family. There was some kids I met today who live at the community. They never get to leave. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I was able to bring both of my children home with me from the hospital. Neither one of them have any major problem. Both live pretty normal lives. I am thankful everyday I have such great boys. If I learned anything today, it was that I need to appreciate my child and what I have. It could be a lot worse.

   The last thing I am going to talk about tonight, is my doctor's appointment that is scheduled for 11:30am tomorrow. The main reason I am talking about it now, is that I need to lose some weight. I need to get my fat ass in gear and lose 100 or so pounds. I am uncomfortable most day because of my weight. It has effected my sex life and my attitude most days. It doesn't help that I have a herniated disk in my neck so my arms go numb most days. But that is no excuse, I just need to start working out again. I already pay for the YMCA membership, it is about damn time I use it.

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The Father, the son... Who is the better parent?

It has been a few years since I posted, but I figured now is a good time to start again. First off, I have a new job, I love where I work now. I work with a wonderful group of people, I may be a little over my head, but I am good. I like what I do, and I think I am doing a good job. I feel like I am not as "technology" savvy as the rest of the people in my department, but if I work hard, I will get there someday. I still ask a lot of question, but I think I am getting better at what I do.

This is the first time I have put it down on paper, but I think I have a problem when it comes to masturbation. I jack off at least once a day at work, sometimes even more. I go into the restroom with my iphone and look up all kind of pornography. I always masturbate to a movie, but sometime I start with a few pictures. I am usually gone for an hour and I try to do it over my lunch hour. I am sure there are people who think they know what I am doing, or have some kind of speculation, but I have not been caught yet. This has gone on for years now. I think the first time I did it was 8 years ago, maybe more. I have a problem, and I have no idea how to correct it. I am hesitate even putting it into this blog. No one reads this except me, Laura just found out about it today (5/1/14). I don't talk about it with anyone. I have made up excuses in the past as to why I disappear for an hour each day. What do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I just suck it up and say be a man about it. Quite doing this shit, get your head out of your ass??? Maybe actually putting it down somewhere will help. Man I hope so, I guess we will see tomorrow.

Now to the real reason I starting writing in this blog again. Today is May 1st, 2014. My biological father moved back to Des Moines in November of 2012. He was very sick (I think), and his sister who he has lived with for how ever many years kicked him out and said he could not come back. He had no place to go, no where to live. His mother died in 1995, he lived in her house for a number of years. But then my mother was able to take his house, because he never paid child support for my sisters and I. He is a worthless asshole. He had a wife, he had a family in Iowa. He just picked up one day when I was 5 or 6 and decided he didn't want to do it any more. He hardly ever called me, I would visit him from time to time, but I have never really had a relationship with him.  I really just don't have any feelings for him other than I feel sorry for him and I know I never ever want to be anything like him. He lives in a tiny one room shit hole apartment (3 blocks from my parents' house). He is on constant dialysis. He is on permanent disability, so not a lot of money coming in. No car, no job, no life. I mean, how does he live???

My sister is going out of town this weekend, and she would like me to take my phone to the grocery store so he can get food. She will actually be gone the next 2 weekends, so I will have to take him more than once. The problem with this, is he doesn't call me, he hardly ever calls me. He and I's relationship has not really changed since he moved here. It is not my job to call him, he needs something, he needs to call me. I need absolutely nothing from him!!!! So, what do I do? Should I call him, do I really need to call this worthless piece of shit hermit?  I believe I have to, man this fucking sucks!!!! I don't want to call him, I want him to realize and tell me he is sorry. He is sorry he was never there for me. He is sorry I look up to my best friend's father more than my own old man. He is sorry I yelled a my mother because I thought he didn't love me. He is sorry he went to Florida, Colorado, and Arizona. He is grateful for my sisters, because if it was up to me he could rot in Arizona.

I have to great and wonderful boys of my own. If my father has taught me anything, and I do mean anything, it is that I need to be there for my boys. A father is not just the guy who had sex with your mother. A father is the guy you look up to, the guy who shows you how to play sports, the guy you fear will beat the crap out of you, the guy who loves you no matter what you do. He tucks you in at night, he plays ball with you, he takes you to the ball game. You have the feeling nothing can or will hurt you when he is around. He may be a dick from time to time but you know for a fact if you ever really get in the shit, he will be the first one to help you out. THIS IS WHAT I STRIVE FOR, it is also what I have never gotten from my father.

In the end, I guess I will be the better MAN. I will pick up the phone tomorrow, call my little fuck tard of a father and be the person he needs. Now that is something!

Moron!

Ok, so I think I might have spent too much money yesterday on my new habit! I bought a whole pork loin, two whole chickens, 3 racks of ribs, and a whole beef brisket. Last night, I rubbed down all the meat and put it into a big rubbermade bid out in the garage. Then this morning I put some snow of top to keep it all cold.

I hope this turns out ok. I have very high hopes.

February 25th, 2010

So I think I finally figured out what this blog is going to be about. I purchased a new smoker over the weekend and I am venturing into the world of smoking meats this weekend. Tonight my wife and I are going to Costco to purchase meat, and on Sunday I will be firing up the smoker. I am a little scare, because I want my meat to be good. I think it will take me a little while to get to the form I want, but I am hopeful. I think we are going to start with pork ribs, a couple whole chickens, maybe a pork loin, and maybe a beef brisket. I have been searching websites for good recipes, and good techniques.

Here is a picture of the smoker

OK, never mind, I can't get the picture to populate.

Anyway, it is a glorious smoker and I am very excited to use it.

I will keep you posted on the results come Monday. That reminds me of a song!

Oh and it's five o'clock somewhere. That reminds me of another song.

P.S. as you can see I was able to load the picture.

February 15th

So it is about 5pm, I am sitting a work, working hard on making calls. My day at work is almost over, I have about an hour left. Then I am going to head to the grocery store and grabs some stuff for cheese burgers.

There is absolutely nothing interesting in my life right now. I get up, take the kids to day care, get ready for work, work, come home, eat dinner, and then go to bed. I keep telling myself boring is good, boring pays the bills and puts food on the table. But, I need some excitement in my life. What I really need is a better, more "fun", higher paying job. I need to work hard at finding said new job. Otherwise I am going to be 40 and still stuck in the same crappy job. So I think I am going to turn this blog into a way for me to vent my anger and work on getting a new job. Everyday, I will work on getting a better job. Figuring out ways to better myself and get a better higher paying job. Oh who the hell am I kidding, I won't do any of that. I should, but I probably won't. I am such a lazy piece of crap.