The Father, the son... Who is the better parent?

It has been a few years since I posted, but I figured now is a good time to start again. First off, I have a new job, I love where I work now. I work with a wonderful group of people, I may be a little over my head, but I am good. I like what I do, and I think I am doing a good job. I feel like I am not as "technology" savvy as the rest of the people in my department, but if I work hard, I will get there someday. I still ask a lot of question, but I think I am getting better at what I do.

This is the first time I have put it down on paper, but I think I have a problem when it comes to masturbation. I jack off at least once a day at work, sometimes even more. I go into the restroom with my iphone and look up all kind of pornography. I always masturbate to a movie, but sometime I start with a few pictures. I am usually gone for an hour and I try to do it over my lunch hour. I am sure there are people who think they know what I am doing, or have some kind of speculation, but I have not been caught yet. This has gone on for years now. I think the first time I did it was 8 years ago, maybe more. I have a problem, and I have no idea how to correct it. I am hesitate even putting it into this blog. No one reads this except me, Laura just found out about it today (5/1/14). I don't talk about it with anyone. I have made up excuses in the past as to why I disappear for an hour each day. What do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I just suck it up and say be a man about it. Quite doing this shit, get your head out of your ass??? Maybe actually putting it down somewhere will help. Man I hope so, I guess we will see tomorrow.

Now to the real reason I starting writing in this blog again. Today is May 1st, 2014. My biological father moved back to Des Moines in November of 2012. He was very sick (I think), and his sister who he has lived with for how ever many years kicked him out and said he could not come back. He had no place to go, no where to live. His mother died in 1995, he lived in her house for a number of years. But then my mother was able to take his house, because he never paid child support for my sisters and I. He is a worthless asshole. He had a wife, he had a family in Iowa. He just picked up one day when I was 5 or 6 and decided he didn't want to do it any more. He hardly ever called me, I would visit him from time to time, but I have never really had a relationship with him.  I really just don't have any feelings for him other than I feel sorry for him and I know I never ever want to be anything like him. He lives in a tiny one room shit hole apartment (3 blocks from my parents' house). He is on constant dialysis. He is on permanent disability, so not a lot of money coming in. No car, no job, no life. I mean, how does he live???

My sister is going out of town this weekend, and she would like me to take my phone to the grocery store so he can get food. She will actually be gone the next 2 weekends, so I will have to take him more than once. The problem with this, is he doesn't call me, he hardly ever calls me. He and I's relationship has not really changed since he moved here. It is not my job to call him, he needs something, he needs to call me. I need absolutely nothing from him!!!! So, what do I do? Should I call him, do I really need to call this worthless piece of shit hermit?  I believe I have to, man this fucking sucks!!!! I don't want to call him, I want him to realize and tell me he is sorry. He is sorry he was never there for me. He is sorry I look up to my best friend's father more than my own old man. He is sorry I yelled a my mother because I thought he didn't love me. He is sorry he went to Florida, Colorado, and Arizona. He is grateful for my sisters, because if it was up to me he could rot in Arizona.

I have to great and wonderful boys of my own. If my father has taught me anything, and I do mean anything, it is that I need to be there for my boys. A father is not just the guy who had sex with your mother. A father is the guy you look up to, the guy who shows you how to play sports, the guy you fear will beat the crap out of you, the guy who loves you no matter what you do. He tucks you in at night, he plays ball with you, he takes you to the ball game. You have the feeling nothing can or will hurt you when he is around. He may be a dick from time to time but you know for a fact if you ever really get in the shit, he will be the first one to help you out. THIS IS WHAT I STRIVE FOR, it is also what I have never gotten from my father.

In the end, I guess I will be the better MAN. I will pick up the phone tomorrow, call my little fuck tard of a father and be the person he needs. Now that is something!