November 8th, 2009

So it is officially 2:30 in the morning and I can not sleep. It has been a while since I updated last. Let me update you on what has gone on.

First off, we (my whole family) went to Siesta Key FL. It was an interesting trip, I had a lot of fun but while we were there we found out that my father-in-law almost died. Now I did not want my father-in-law to die, but and I know this sounds bad, he ruined my vacation. It was supposed to be a nice week long beach trip. What it turned into was a 6 day headache. We got the call about 24 hours after we got to FL. Two days later, we almost came home and we actually came home a day early. I didn't get to just chill while we were down there, I was on edge the whole time. Do we come home, is he ok, what is going on. It was not fun at all. Yes there was some good parts, we got to see the ocean, we go to go on a nice boat ride, swim, play in the sand. But the whole trip seemed like a waste and I knew my wife wanted to be home.

I just have some many thing running through my mind right now. My back hurts like a mother fucker, I have a headache, my house is a mess, I feel like my wife is lying to me all the time and pissing away every penny we have, my son is be coming a spoiled little brat. What else..... there are just so many things. The other day I told my boss how much I hate my job. My job seems like such a waste of time, and I am so much better than it. I know I need to work hard, but I just have no motivation. This coming Wednesday I am going to go to a QA meeting and I hope I meet someone who can help me get a new job back in the QA community. I know something will come sometime, but when? How much longer do I have to wait?

What else can I talk about. My wife and I have no money, none, we can hardly pay our bills and it is not going to get better anytime soon. I hope things get better soon. I am a pretty happy guy, but on the inside I am going crazy, don't know what to do@!

September 9th

So, last night my father-in-law had a minor stroke or at least that is what we thought it was at first. It turned out that it was bleeding on his brain, which acted like a stroke. He was very disoriented and couldn't move the left side of his body when I got to his house. I met the ambulance at his house and ran inside to see what was going on. We were at the hospital until 1:30 this morning, so I am dragging a little bit this morning.

I know it sounds bad, but my main concern right now is what am I going to do with my boys for day care. I am not sure the wife and I can afford to send them to day care. Who knows what is going to happen, I am a little overwhelmed right now. I guess we will see what happens.

Also, I had an ultrasound done on my liver this morning. I think everything turned out ok, but I am not entirely sure. I guess, again, we will see what happens.

August 24th

So it is Monday morning, and I am sitting at my "new" desk on the first floor of NW. I started my new hours this morning, (8:30am to 5pm). I think I am the only one here right now. I know there should be other people here, but I have no idea where they are.

Laura called the internet company this morning, and it looks like we will have internet and a phone again soon. Now I can look for jobs and surf porn in the comfort of my own home. I believe it has been close to 2 year since we have had phone and internet service in the Schwartz household.

May 14th

Well, I guess there is a lot of stuff to update on. First off I will be a father again on June 9th, my wife and I are having a scheduled c-section. It will be interesting with two boys under the age of 3. This is not the way I planned my life at all, but I guess you have to roll with the punches. I am very excited to have another little boy. But this is it, two and done. I love my son, and I am sure my new boy will be great, but I want to be done after two. I think in August (if time permits) I am going to get snipped. My wife on the other hand is not so sure, I think she is holding out hope to have another child. She wants a little girl. Maybe I will look into freezing sperm, but it will depend on the cost. Like I said before, I love kids, but I would like to have some fun. I have found out kids are great, but there is only so many things you can do with them.

I tried to quit chewing, and it lasted for a few days. But, I am stressed out on a regular basis, and chewing tobacco is my out let. It takes my mind off of some of the things that bother. I am going to keep trying. Maybe when the new baby gets here I will try to quit again.

In one of the previous blog posts I talked about a trial my mother was going through. As far as I am told, everything went well, but they won't hear the final answer until September or October. So I am going to be somewhat on edge until then. I don't think my parents are telling me the whole truth. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Right now, I am going through a personal dilemma. I was offered and took a new job with NW. I am not really happy about the position, but I need to put food on the table and with my current position I am afraid I am going to get fired any day. I have been "on the bench" for almost two months now, and it doesn't look like they are going to find anything for me. I am trying to learn as much as I can about software testing, but my mind drifts. I feel like such a waste of space everyday. I come into work, and most of the day I play on the Internet, or play games on my laptop. At the end of everyday I tell myself tomorrow is going to be different. Then I come in, in the morning and waste another day. It is no one's fault but my own. What can I do to motivate myself? I Tell myself to get my sh!t right, but it just doesn't work. Maybe it is the fact that I think I am going to get fired at any minute and I don't want to invest any more time into this position. At the same time, I don't want to get fired. I love my job. I guess I have a few "wishes" right now.

1. "They" find a contract for me.
2. I find something else, a better, higher paying job.
3. The NW job is something that turns into something better real quick (I don't think this is going to happen).
4. I win the lottery, and I don't have to work (I know this won't happen, I don't even play the lottery).

I know everything is going to be ok, I just wish it would speed up and be ok now. I have to stay positive, other wise I will be a wreck.

April 29th

I talked to both my mother and my sister yesterday, and they told me the trial went well. There are still 2 days left, so I am trying to stay optimistic. Who know what is going to happen.

Last night I decided to go to a career fair downtown. I think it was worth while to an extent. WF was there, and I talked to a woman there who I hope will help me. The woman at Banker's Trust was very rude, I was trying to feel out what position they had available. When I went up to her and did know exactly what I wanted to do, she jumped down my throat. Telling me I need to know what I want, and not make the employer guess. Well, I would do that, but I don't know how I can fit into your organization. It is a little hard to know what I want to do when I don't know what you have.

Another day, another time to read through QC. It is so much fun.

April 28th

Last night I got the pleasure of see a Holocaust survivor speak. The woman's name is Marion Blumenthal Lazan. She is a survivor from Germany, and was in the Bergen-Belsen.I went to watch Marion with my mother, my mother's friends and my older sister. I have seen many survivor speak, been to a few Holocaust memorials/museums. Marion is a very good speaking, what I found interesting about her speech, was how easy it is for her to recite her story. I sure it is because she has told it so many time, I just found it interesting how easy it was for her.

Today is the first day of my mother and step-father's trial. I am interested to find out what happens. I should be receiving a call later today.

I am still working on learning QC. I keep rereading the same thing over and over again. I am not retaining the information, which is very frustrating to me.

I finally made it back into the gym after a 3 week lay off. I need to get in shape, I am tried of being the fat kid.

April 27th

Nothing too exciting is going on in my life right now. I had another interview last week, and I think it went pretty well. My concern, is I just won't be happy working there. But at the same time, I want a new job because I still think I am going to get fired from my current job at any minute.

My weekend wasn't too exciting. I went over to my sister's house Saturday night with my wife and son, and watched a couple movies. The movies were OK, I think I would have been a woman they would have been more funny to me.

I really need to get back into the gym, but I just have no motivation to get up in the morning and go. I feel like such as lazy fat a$$ right now. I haven't been to the gym in over 3 weeks now, and I think it is really starting to wear on me.

April 22nd

I think today is going to be an interesting day. I have no idea why this is, it just sounds good today. The wife and I had a nice dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and my niece. We went out to Mexican. After dinner, the beau and I transferred all my music off of my work laptop and put it on my external hard drive. The beau also gave me a bunch of music from his hard drive. I need to wade through all this music and see exactly what I want.

After the whole music sharing, I sat down and talked with my sister and the beau, more or less shooting the shit. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Parenting and my wife were two very big topics. My parents and my sister like my wife, but they are little frustrated with her. She treats her family very differently that she treats my family. The bad part about the whole thing, I agree more with my parents that I do with my wife. I hate that my almost two years old son hits my wife. She does almost nothing about it, and he keeps hitting her. I tell him no, but she doesn't. I just don't want it to continue to happen, what happens when he goes to school and still hits. They will kick him out. I guess I just need to work harder.

I blew up on my mother Sunday night at dinner for buying golf clubs for my son. I know I shouldn't have, but I just had a lot of pent up aggression and I guess it came to a head on her for buy him some golf clubs. Thing about it, is my mother and father got divorced when I was 7 and my father never did things for me. J is more of a college buddy that my father. He always just wants to be my buddy. So I think the reason I blew up, was because I want to do all the things for my kids my father never did for me. This morning I sent my mother an apologetic email.

April 21st

So like I said before I WAS trying to stop chewing. I went almost 48 hours without a chew. Well, I broke down and bought a can. I was shaking, and I just needed a chew. This scares the crap out of me, I need to stop. There are some many things that can happen to my body, and I want to be around for when I kids grow up. I am going to keep quiting, and I hope one of these days it takes.

I am still trying to find something, I keep going on interviews but nothing is popping. Every interview I have been on I have not gotten. This just sucks. Yesterday I talked with NW, and I have an interview with them on Thursday morning. I am a little frustrated, because that job would be taking a step backward. It is the exact same thing I did when I worked for MM. But, there is the possibility to make about the same amount of money I am making now. But, it may also mean I don't get to see my family. I believe the hours are 10 to 8, so there would be the possibility for shift differential but that is probably off set by the time factor. It is just a lot to think about right now. My mother talked to a psychic a couple weeks ago, and she said I would find a new job but I would not like it. I keep wondering if the NW job is what she was talking about. I would be perfect for this job, I am sure there are other people who are as qualified as I am, but who knows.

On a happier note, last night my mother and step father bought my son a new bed. I spent about an hour putting it together in our living room. I am looking forward to put it up in his room and getting him used to it. I hope we can get CJ accumulated to the new bed before the new baby gets here. The funny part about the whole thing, a few months ago my mother said something to my wife and I about a new bed. My wife (because it came from my mother) wanted nothing to do with getting my son a new bed. He currently has a convertible crib that he sleeps in, and my wife said we would just convert that and he could still sleep in it. I took an educated look at it, and it made more sense to buy CJ a new bed and put the new baby in his old one. It is going to take some work on my wife and I's part, but I think we can get it done. The problem, is we only have a month and a half to get him used to it. I think we are going to start working on it tomorrow.

April 17th

Day number 2 with no chew. It has been almost 48 hours now, that I have not had a dip. Actually I had a very small one last night, but I am not counting that one because it was so small and I only had it in for 5 minutes. I am not going to lie though, I am jonesing for a dip right now. This morning hasn't been too bad, I am just kind of chilling. I talked to my father last night (always an interesting time). He told me, he went out on a date yesterday. This took me by surprise. My father is almost 60 years old, he lives with his sister, my mother took his house a few year ago because he never paid child support, he doesn't work, and is an all around weird guy. Tonight we are going to dinner for my sister's birthday. She again is an interesting individual. She thinks and wants the world to revolve around her. R turns 35 tomorrow, and she wanted a big party and she wanted her husband to make a big deal out of her birthday. The only problem, is they don't have a lot of money, and they are moving next month. I just don't get her some time, no one makes a big deal out of my birthday, 35 is not a big birthday, and the sun does not rise and set on her ass.
The wife went to the doctor yesterday, and everything is looking great for the new baby. On the 30th we will decide when the c-section is going to happen. I am looking forward to meeting my new son.

April 16th

So yesterday turned out to be a pretty crappy day. I had been holding my breath as to speak about getting a new position with WF. But I got an email yesterday saying "we chose someone else". Plus I have been trying to rap my mind around some items, at my current job and just can't seem to do it. So when I got home last night, I decided to drink a half a bottle of MM. I didn't get drunk, I just wanted something to make me feel a little bit better. After my first 2 glasses, I decided to smoke a cigar and take a walk, to help me think. I came up with a saying, "IF YOU DON'T DO SH*T, YOU ARE SH*T". Now these may not sound like the most intelligent words, but for the past few months I feel like this. I have done just enough to get by. I really think it is biting me in the butt now. I need to get my butt in gear and make something of myself. I need to work hard, do more at home, save money. I just need to change a few things in my life. Just make myself a better person. Again, I am going to try quit chewing. I need to get back into the gym. I need to work harder, I currently feel like such a loser!

April 15th

So, today is tax day. In my family, that is actually a pretty important day. My parents own a tax firm, and my sister work there as well. This year is a little different though. I am not sure if there is going to be a firm after May 1st. I believe there is more going on than my mother is telling me. But you never know what is going to happen.
Last night, I am just sat around and watched TV. Carter was his usual self and wanted to watch Jimmy, and Halloween. This pretty much happens every night. I watched some UFC, and then watched a new show called "deadliest warriors". For some reason, I find this show very interesting. It pity two historical soldier against one another. Last night was a samurai versus a viking. The samurai won, but it was a pretty close fight.
This weekend, I was supposed to go to Chicago with Ball. But, instead I am staying home. The bachelor found someone else to go with them. I was looking forward to going, but at the same time money is a little tight right now so it is probably better that I don't go.
Still working on learning QC, there is so much information to learn and I am trying to rap my mind around it. The lady, who is doing the online presentation and I are becoming very good friends.

April 14th

So I am a little new to this whole blogging thing. Today is April 14th, and I am starting a blog. I have read a few in the past, and even my niece has one and she is only 22 months old.
I got the pleasure last night of talking to my best friend, the reverend. I have always thought it was very funny that my best friend is a minister, and I am Jewish. But I can talk to this guy about anything. He has seen me in the worst of times and helped me through them.
Currently I am going through somewhat of a hard time. My job seems to be in jeopardy on a daily basis, but I just keep showing up to work, and they haven't fired me yet. I am currently trying to find something else, I have been on a few interviews but nothing has happened yet. I just wish I could figure it all out. One of the following things needs to happen:
1. Fire me
2. Find me a contract
3. Get a new job
The waiting game is the worst. I have trouble sleeping, nothing sounds good anymore. I only eat to shut my stomach up.

I have been chewing for 5 or 6 years now hard core. I know I need to stop, my worst fear is I am going to get cancer and die. I don't want that to happen, but I just can't quite. I get so bored at work, and chewing seems to help the boredom.