Tonight I want to talk about a couple of different things. Much like the other nights I have written in here, I have a few different things to talk about.
The first thing on my mind is the SOA series finale. The episode aired this evening, and I think it was a fitting end to the story. Jax tied a bunch of loose ends up and then ran his bike into an on coming semi truck. For me, I think this was a fitting end to the story. Jax had done a lot of "bad" stuff, and needed to "die". I really enjoyed the ride the show took me on over the last couple of years. I really didn't get into the show until late, I believe it was about 2 years ago I started watching.
The other thing I wanted to talk about was, just my life in general. What the hell am I doing with my life?
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Early Post....
I decided I didn't want to wait until later today to post something. I just got back to my desk from doing it for the 2nd time today. I also have a dip of chewing tobacco in right now. I think I need to do something else, what I am currently doing is not work. Maybe I need to talk to someone. I know I can't talk to Laura about it, she wouldn't understand. I think it might come from fear that I am going to do something wrong at work, or maybe I am just lazy and can't sit still. I was hoping with the medication switch my doctor prescribed me it would help, but I have given the new script two days and it doesn't seem to help at all. Today I even added 2 of my "other" pills to the mix, maybe the combination of the two will help. Who knows for sure. I really think what I need to do is go talk to someone. I have never talked to someone in the past about my issue, I have just kept it on the inside. I don't think anyone know about my issue, maybe some of my co-workers have an idea what is going on but none of them KNOW what I am doing each day.
I just can't still for very long right now, I have to get up and walk about. Damn you ADD!
On a side note, I am supposed to get the two below lego sets, but they probably will not come today. I will have to take pictures once I get the sets. I also told my wife to have my mother-in-law order this new lego book for me. The book looks really interesting and I think it will help me with my end goal of building my own lego city like in the "Lego Movie".
I just can't still for very long right now, I have to get up and walk about. Damn you ADD!
On a side note, I am supposed to get the two below lego sets, but they probably will not come today. I will have to take pictures once I get the sets. I also told my wife to have my mother-in-law order this new lego book for me. The book looks really interesting and I think it will help me with my end goal of building my own lego city like in the "Lego Movie".
Monday, November 3, 2014
I got nothing.....
I really do not have a lot to talk about tonight. Today was a pretty dull and boring day. Work was pretty dull and boring. I got into work around 8am and left around left around 5pm. Like I said, I really got nothing to write tonight. I am even struggling to write this much. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Actually, there is something I can talk a little about. In previous post I had spoke about my masturbation habits and my chewing tobacco addiction. Well, much like the last couple of days, I have revered back to my bad habits. I rubbed one out 3 different times today and i stopped at QT on my way into the office to grab a new can of chew.
Also, when i spoke with my doctor last week, he switched my ADD medication and he upped my cholesterol medication. Beyond that, I lead an extremely boring life. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. Fingers crossed it will be something more exciting that today. Here's hoping!
Actually, there is something I can talk a little about. In previous post I had spoke about my masturbation habits and my chewing tobacco addiction. Well, much like the last couple of days, I have revered back to my bad habits. I rubbed one out 3 different times today and i stopped at QT on my way into the office to grab a new can of chew.
Also, when i spoke with my doctor last week, he switched my ADD medication and he upped my cholesterol medication. Beyond that, I lead an extremely boring life. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. Fingers crossed it will be something more exciting that today. Here's hoping!
Sunday, November 2, 2014
What the FUCK!!!!
Yesterday morning I took my children with me to go get my hair cut. They were both pretty good when we were at the barbershop. They had some trouble sitting still, but other than that they did pretty well.
After the barbershop, the boys and I came home to meet Laura. I need to back up a little bit. Every once in a while, Laura will wake me up on a Saturday or Sunday morning when she is feeling horny and will want to have sex first thing in the morning. I am not one to decline sex, so about 99.9% of the time I am happy to oblige her. This past was not exception. We went at it for a little while, then Laura told me she wanted to go get her nails done. This was perfectly fine with me as I stated earlier, I need to get my hair cut. Normally I cut my own hair, but every once in a while, I want to get it professionally done.
Now back to my story, I get home from my hair cut and Laura is still horny. So I go up stairs, and she have sex again. Happy morning for me, normally I don't get laid 2 times in one day. I thought it was going to be the start of a great day. Thought being the operative word here. When I came down stairs after my "session", I had the feeling something was off, it also smelled distinctly like pee. Well, I took at one of my red 32oz mugs, and there was a little liquid in the bottom of it. I asked the boys what happened, and Carter informed me that Kuper had an "accident" and used my cup as a urinal. At this point, I was pissed but it struck me as kind of odd for a couple of reasons. One, why would Kuper pee in my cup, there was an open bathroom 15 feet away? Two, this is off character even for Kuper, he has never done this in the past and when he gets in trouble he normally fesses up to it fairly quickly. Well he blamed his brother and his brother blamed him. Since neither one of them who tell me who did it, I punished both of them. We left the house with me still pretty angry. We went out for lunch at BWW, and all through lunch they still both blamed each other. After lunch, Laura wanted to take a look at the new Nordstrom's rack that opened near us. As I am not one to be a big shopper, I dropped her off and said I was going to go get gas and return a couple of movies we had rented the night before. Carter decided he wanted to go with his mother, and Kuper would go for a ride with me. I took this as my opportunity to grill Kuper a little on what happened. Like a good little boy and after a little bit of bribery on my part, Kuper told me that Carter was the one who peed in my cup. I tend to believe Kuper, like I stated above, Kuper usually does not lie to be, if you ask him what happened, he tends to tell me (even if he did it) what happened. I usually believe Kuper since he does not lie. Lying is usually what Carter does to save his ass. So after Kuper and I got gas about 20 minutes had passed, I called Laura to make sure she was ok and that everything was going as planned. In the back of my mind, I wanted to pick Carter up and grill him a little more without his mother being present. Well, Carter was being his normal self and only wanted to look at the toys. So I was going to pick him up and let Laura continue to go shopping. Laura has other plans, she was done shopping and just wanted me to pick both of them up. I did as I was told and went over to Nordstrom's to pick both of them up. When I did, I told Laura what Kuper told me and wanted to get her opinion on the matter. Laura agreed with me that Kuper doesn't tend to lie and so we both dug into Carter a little more. After this, Carter confessed he was the one who peed in my cup. What I really don't understand, is what would possess a little boy to pee in a cup. Carter didn't have an answer for me. In the end, the story goes like this. Carter had to go to the bathroom, but was too lazy to walk to the bathroom so he peed in the cup. Then once he did it, he walked over to the bathroom and dumped out the pee in the toilet. Yes, you heard me right he walked over to the open toilet and dumped the fucking pee in the toilet. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
Now fast forward to this evening. I made a pretty good meal for my family, spaghetti with red sauce, garlic bread, and white sauce for my wife (truly I heated up some left over white sauce for Laura). After dinner, Laura worked on reading a book with Carter and I worked with Kuper on his writing (Kuper has horrible hand writing, and it is something his teacher wanted us to work on this him). After we did our "homework", Laura and I sent the boys up to their work to read some books and relax in their room. After about 5 or 10 minutes, Carter came down stairs and told Laura and I that Kuper had peed in his hand and then threw it on his bed. Well after yesterday's incident, I did not believe Carter that is what happened, and it turned out I was right. At this point, I really lost my shit! Not to get into all the details, Carter go some water somewhere and he put it on Kuper's bed. How we figured this out, there was a huge wet spot in Carter's bed as well. Laura don't know what to do now, and neither do I. I mean if I was that age again, my mother would have beat me with a wooden spoon. I would have cried for a while, but I would have learned my lesson and I never would have done it again. I mean , I am 34 years old and my mother still scares me a little. Actually that is not true, my mother does not scare me, I just have a ton of respect for her and I would not do anything like that to her.
So now it is almost 9 o'clock and I need to go up and talk to my children, but I have no idea what to say to them. Carter is a little shit is all I can think and Kuper just keep getting caught up in the cross fire. Kuper is not innocent by any means, he drew on his walls today after Laura and I both told him many time that the marks are only for writing on paper. I just don't know what to do with these kids anymore. It takes everything in me not to beat them.
After the barbershop, the boys and I came home to meet Laura. I need to back up a little bit. Every once in a while, Laura will wake me up on a Saturday or Sunday morning when she is feeling horny and will want to have sex first thing in the morning. I am not one to decline sex, so about 99.9% of the time I am happy to oblige her. This past was not exception. We went at it for a little while, then Laura told me she wanted to go get her nails done. This was perfectly fine with me as I stated earlier, I need to get my hair cut. Normally I cut my own hair, but every once in a while, I want to get it professionally done.
Now back to my story, I get home from my hair cut and Laura is still horny. So I go up stairs, and she have sex again. Happy morning for me, normally I don't get laid 2 times in one day. I thought it was going to be the start of a great day. Thought being the operative word here. When I came down stairs after my "session", I had the feeling something was off, it also smelled distinctly like pee. Well, I took at one of my red 32oz mugs, and there was a little liquid in the bottom of it. I asked the boys what happened, and Carter informed me that Kuper had an "accident" and used my cup as a urinal. At this point, I was pissed but it struck me as kind of odd for a couple of reasons. One, why would Kuper pee in my cup, there was an open bathroom 15 feet away? Two, this is off character even for Kuper, he has never done this in the past and when he gets in trouble he normally fesses up to it fairly quickly. Well he blamed his brother and his brother blamed him. Since neither one of them who tell me who did it, I punished both of them. We left the house with me still pretty angry. We went out for lunch at BWW, and all through lunch they still both blamed each other. After lunch, Laura wanted to take a look at the new Nordstrom's rack that opened near us. As I am not one to be a big shopper, I dropped her off and said I was going to go get gas and return a couple of movies we had rented the night before. Carter decided he wanted to go with his mother, and Kuper would go for a ride with me. I took this as my opportunity to grill Kuper a little on what happened. Like a good little boy and after a little bit of bribery on my part, Kuper told me that Carter was the one who peed in my cup. I tend to believe Kuper, like I stated above, Kuper usually does not lie to be, if you ask him what happened, he tends to tell me (even if he did it) what happened. I usually believe Kuper since he does not lie. Lying is usually what Carter does to save his ass. So after Kuper and I got gas about 20 minutes had passed, I called Laura to make sure she was ok and that everything was going as planned. In the back of my mind, I wanted to pick Carter up and grill him a little more without his mother being present. Well, Carter was being his normal self and only wanted to look at the toys. So I was going to pick him up and let Laura continue to go shopping. Laura has other plans, she was done shopping and just wanted me to pick both of them up. I did as I was told and went over to Nordstrom's to pick both of them up. When I did, I told Laura what Kuper told me and wanted to get her opinion on the matter. Laura agreed with me that Kuper doesn't tend to lie and so we both dug into Carter a little more. After this, Carter confessed he was the one who peed in my cup. What I really don't understand, is what would possess a little boy to pee in a cup. Carter didn't have an answer for me. In the end, the story goes like this. Carter had to go to the bathroom, but was too lazy to walk to the bathroom so he peed in the cup. Then once he did it, he walked over to the bathroom and dumped out the pee in the toilet. Yes, you heard me right he walked over to the open toilet and dumped the fucking pee in the toilet. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
Now fast forward to this evening. I made a pretty good meal for my family, spaghetti with red sauce, garlic bread, and white sauce for my wife (truly I heated up some left over white sauce for Laura). After dinner, Laura worked on reading a book with Carter and I worked with Kuper on his writing (Kuper has horrible hand writing, and it is something his teacher wanted us to work on this him). After we did our "homework", Laura and I sent the boys up to their work to read some books and relax in their room. After about 5 or 10 minutes, Carter came down stairs and told Laura and I that Kuper had peed in his hand and then threw it on his bed. Well after yesterday's incident, I did not believe Carter that is what happened, and it turned out I was right. At this point, I really lost my shit! Not to get into all the details, Carter go some water somewhere and he put it on Kuper's bed. How we figured this out, there was a huge wet spot in Carter's bed as well. Laura don't know what to do now, and neither do I. I mean if I was that age again, my mother would have beat me with a wooden spoon. I would have cried for a while, but I would have learned my lesson and I never would have done it again. I mean , I am 34 years old and my mother still scares me a little. Actually that is not true, my mother does not scare me, I just have a ton of respect for her and I would not do anything like that to her.
So now it is almost 9 o'clock and I need to go up and talk to my children, but I have no idea what to say to them. Carter is a little shit is all I can think and Kuper just keep getting caught up in the cross fire. Kuper is not innocent by any means, he drew on his walls today after Laura and I both told him many time that the marks are only for writing on paper. I just don't know what to do with these kids anymore. It takes everything in me not to beat them.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Short and Sweet
I broke down and did both today. I spent over an hour in the restroom today, and I bought a new can of chew.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
You can call me Alexander Dumas
I am tired this evening, so I am going to make this post a short one. First off, I broke down today and rubbed one out while I was working this afternoon. I sat in the bathroom like I had done in the past, waited for everyone to leave and then went about my business. I was in there for a little over an hour, it was not the most pleasant of experiences. I was doing ok, I did not rub one out on Wednesday but today was different. I just got bored sitting at my desk so I decided I need to do it. I will try again tomorrow not to do it. Like I said in the previous post, I will take it one day at a time. I also broke down today on the way back from my doctor's appointment and purchased another can of chewing tobacco. Like with my masturbating problem, I made it a couple of hours without my addiction. Again I will try to do better tomorrow, but it is not looking to good. Now I have a half of a can that needs to get chewed.
On a side note, today was beggars night in DSM. I sat at my sister-in-law's house and handed out candy while my wife took my two children trick or treating. Then we went over to my sister's house and walked around her neighborhood trick or treating. It was nice to be outside walking around with my children. I really do enjoy being outside and active with my children. Carter (my 7 year old) was Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas", Kuper (my 5 year old) was Marshal from "Paw Patrol". They both looked awesome in their costumes, and had a really good time trick or treating. There was actually one woman who was really impressed with Kuper and his manners when he went up to one of the houses. I love those boys so much and want to make sure they have the best memories I can give them. I think my wife and I are doing a pretty good so far. Laura seems to have a pretty short fuse with them both, but other than that she is the most amazing mother. I am a very luck man to have 2 great boys and an amazing wife.
That is all for tonight, I want to get to my iPhone games and go to bed. I am one tired boy.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Addiction, SF Giants, Childserv, and the Dr.
As the title of this post states, I plan to talk about addiction, the San Francisco Giant, volunteering at Childserv, and my doctor's appointment which I have tomorrow (10/30/14). But first, I would like to talk about my masturbation habits. As I have stated in previous posts, I have a problem with rubbing one out at work. Well, today I was able to refrain from rubbing one out. I was very close, but someone walked in the bathroom and I decided not to do it. I hope if I keep writing in here about my problem, I will be able to overcome this issue and stop masturbating at work. One day down, a million more to go. One day at a time I guess.
Now that I have that out of the way I can talk about the other things I would like to tonight. First I want to talk about my other addiction. I chew tobacco! I go through about a full can of Copenhagen Extra Long Cut Natural every other day. I actually have a dip in right now as I am writing this. I told myself many years ago I would not every be addicted to anything. I really don't have a sweet tooth, I don't smoke cigarettes (mainly because my asthma does not allow me to), I don't drink to excess, I don't even drink what I would consider a lot. Yes, I am over weight, but I don't think I am really addicted to anything other than chewing tobacco. I have been chewing this brand for the last 5 years (I think). Before that, I chewed a different brand. I have been chewing in general for the last 10 or 15 years. I think I have been doing it since I was in college. Chewing tobacco does scare me. I am afraid I will get lip, throat, stomach, etc. cancer at any point. I just can't stop doing it though. I have tried in the past, but every time I come back to my old friend. I really do need to quite this, unlike my other addiction, this one could actually keep me or at the very least permanently scar my body. I know my wife thinks it is gross and I don't want my kids to EVER start doing it. Just like any other form of addiction, once you start it is damn near impossible to quite. Maybe like my other addiction, if I talk about it here I will realize what a big deal it is and I will quite on my own. It is already working to an extent. I just took out my dip and tossed it in a cup so I can't put it back in.
Now on to the World Champion San Francisco Giants. Yes, the Giants won their third world series title in the last 5 years. They won in 2010, 2012 and now in 2014. I was rooting for the Giants to win for most of the playoff since the Cubbies and the Sox (my favorite teams) were not in the playoffs this year. Then a funny thing happened towards the end of the world series. I started rooting for KC a little bit. I mean they have not won a WS since 1985, and KC is much closer to DSM than SF is. Anyway, I won a bet with my 7 year old son. I get the great honor of choosing where I take my family to dinner tomorrow night before we go out trick or treating. I think I got the raw end of this deal. Basically I lose either way I guess. I still have to take them out for dinner and I will probably just pick up McDonalds for them.
Childserv is the old Children Habilitation Center (CHC) I used to volunteer at when I was in high school. I volunteered there this afternoon. I handed out little bags of cotton candy. I did this with a bunch of people from my office, I think there was 20 or 30 people from my office. We did it for a United Way week. I doubt I made any kind of a difference in any of the kids lives, but it made me feel good. I felt like I was giving back just a little to the great state I live in. I also felt bad for all the kids I saw today. They will never know what it is like to be a "normal" kid. They will never be able to run around like "normal" kids, play ball with their dads. Some don't even get to live with their family. There was some kids I met today who live at the community. They never get to leave. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I was able to bring both of my children home with me from the hospital. Neither one of them have any major problem. Both live pretty normal lives. I am thankful everyday I have such great boys. If I learned anything today, it was that I need to appreciate my child and what I have. It could be a lot worse.
The last thing I am going to talk about tonight, is my doctor's appointment that is scheduled for 11:30am tomorrow. The main reason I am talking about it now, is that I need to lose some weight. I need to get my fat ass in gear and lose 100 or so pounds. I am uncomfortable most day because of my weight. It has effected my sex life and my attitude most days. It doesn't help that I have a herniated disk in my neck so my arms go numb most days. But that is no excuse, I just need to start working out again. I already pay for the YMCA membership, it is about damn time I use it.
Now that I have that out of the way I can talk about the other things I would like to tonight. First I want to talk about my other addiction. I chew tobacco! I go through about a full can of Copenhagen Extra Long Cut Natural every other day. I actually have a dip in right now as I am writing this. I told myself many years ago I would not every be addicted to anything. I really don't have a sweet tooth, I don't smoke cigarettes (mainly because my asthma does not allow me to), I don't drink to excess, I don't even drink what I would consider a lot. Yes, I am over weight, but I don't think I am really addicted to anything other than chewing tobacco. I have been chewing this brand for the last 5 years (I think). Before that, I chewed a different brand. I have been chewing in general for the last 10 or 15 years. I think I have been doing it since I was in college. Chewing tobacco does scare me. I am afraid I will get lip, throat, stomach, etc. cancer at any point. I just can't stop doing it though. I have tried in the past, but every time I come back to my old friend. I really do need to quite this, unlike my other addiction, this one could actually keep me or at the very least permanently scar my body. I know my wife thinks it is gross and I don't want my kids to EVER start doing it. Just like any other form of addiction, once you start it is damn near impossible to quite. Maybe like my other addiction, if I talk about it here I will realize what a big deal it is and I will quite on my own. It is already working to an extent. I just took out my dip and tossed it in a cup so I can't put it back in.
Now on to the World Champion San Francisco Giants. Yes, the Giants won their third world series title in the last 5 years. They won in 2010, 2012 and now in 2014. I was rooting for the Giants to win for most of the playoff since the Cubbies and the Sox (my favorite teams) were not in the playoffs this year. Then a funny thing happened towards the end of the world series. I started rooting for KC a little bit. I mean they have not won a WS since 1985, and KC is much closer to DSM than SF is. Anyway, I won a bet with my 7 year old son. I get the great honor of choosing where I take my family to dinner tomorrow night before we go out trick or treating. I think I got the raw end of this deal. Basically I lose either way I guess. I still have to take them out for dinner and I will probably just pick up McDonalds for them.
Childserv is the old Children Habilitation Center (CHC) I used to volunteer at when I was in high school. I volunteered there this afternoon. I handed out little bags of cotton candy. I did this with a bunch of people from my office, I think there was 20 or 30 people from my office. We did it for a United Way week. I doubt I made any kind of a difference in any of the kids lives, but it made me feel good. I felt like I was giving back just a little to the great state I live in. I also felt bad for all the kids I saw today. They will never know what it is like to be a "normal" kid. They will never be able to run around like "normal" kids, play ball with their dads. Some don't even get to live with their family. There was some kids I met today who live at the community. They never get to leave. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I was able to bring both of my children home with me from the hospital. Neither one of them have any major problem. Both live pretty normal lives. I am thankful everyday I have such great boys. If I learned anything today, it was that I need to appreciate my child and what I have. It could be a lot worse.
The last thing I am going to talk about tonight, is my doctor's appointment that is scheduled for 11:30am tomorrow. The main reason I am talking about it now, is that I need to lose some weight. I need to get my fat ass in gear and lose 100 or so pounds. I am uncomfortable most day because of my weight. It has effected my sex life and my attitude most days. It doesn't help that I have a herniated disk in my neck so my arms go numb most days. But that is no excuse, I just need to start working out again. I already pay for the YMCA membership, it is about damn time I use it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
The Father, the son... Who is the better parent?
It has been a few years since I posted, but I figured now is a good time to start again. First off, I have a new job, I love where I work now. I work with a wonderful group of people, I may be a little over my head, but I am good. I like what I do, and I think I am doing a good job. I feel like I am not as "technology" savvy as the rest of the people in my department, but if I work hard, I will get there someday. I still ask a lot of question, but I think I am getting better at what I do.
This is the first time I have put it down on paper, but I think I have a problem when it comes to masturbation. I jack off at least once a day at work, sometimes even more. I go into the restroom with my iphone and look up all kind of pornography. I always masturbate to a movie, but sometime I start with a few pictures. I am usually gone for an hour and I try to do it over my lunch hour. I am sure there are people who think they know what I am doing, or have some kind of speculation, but I have not been caught yet. This has gone on for years now. I think the first time I did it was 8 years ago, maybe more. I have a problem, and I have no idea how to correct it. I am hesitate even putting it into this blog. No one reads this except me, Laura just found out about it today (5/1/14). I don't talk about it with anyone. I have made up excuses in the past as to why I disappear for an hour each day. What do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I just suck it up and say be a man about it. Quite doing this shit, get your head out of your ass??? Maybe actually putting it down somewhere will help. Man I hope so, I guess we will see tomorrow.
Now to the real reason I starting writing in this blog again. Today is May 1st, 2014. My biological father moved back to Des Moines in November of 2012. He was very sick (I think), and his sister who he has lived with for how ever many years kicked him out and said he could not come back. He had no place to go, no where to live. His mother died in 1995, he lived in her house for a number of years. But then my mother was able to take his house, because he never paid child support for my sisters and I. He is a worthless asshole. He had a wife, he had a family in Iowa. He just picked up one day when I was 5 or 6 and decided he didn't want to do it any more. He hardly ever called me, I would visit him from time to time, but I have never really had a relationship with him. I really just don't have any feelings for him other than I feel sorry for him and I know I never ever want to be anything like him. He lives in a tiny one room shit hole apartment (3 blocks from my parents' house). He is on constant dialysis. He is on permanent disability, so not a lot of money coming in. No car, no job, no life. I mean, how does he live???
My sister is going out of town this weekend, and she would like me to take my phone to the grocery store so he can get food. She will actually be gone the next 2 weekends, so I will have to take him more than once. The problem with this, is he doesn't call me, he hardly ever calls me. He and I's relationship has not really changed since he moved here. It is not my job to call him, he needs something, he needs to call me. I need absolutely nothing from him!!!! So, what do I do? Should I call him, do I really need to call this worthless piece of shit hermit? I believe I have to, man this fucking sucks!!!! I don't want to call him, I want him to realize and tell me he is sorry. He is sorry he was never there for me. He is sorry I look up to my best friend's father more than my own old man. He is sorry I yelled a my mother because I thought he didn't love me. He is sorry he went to Florida, Colorado, and Arizona. He is grateful for my sisters, because if it was up to me he could rot in Arizona.
I have to great and wonderful boys of my own. If my father has taught me anything, and I do mean anything, it is that I need to be there for my boys. A father is not just the guy who had sex with your mother. A father is the guy you look up to, the guy who shows you how to play sports, the guy you fear will beat the crap out of you, the guy who loves you no matter what you do. He tucks you in at night, he plays ball with you, he takes you to the ball game. You have the feeling nothing can or will hurt you when he is around. He may be a dick from time to time but you know for a fact if you ever really get in the shit, he will be the first one to help you out. THIS IS WHAT I STRIVE FOR, it is also what I have never gotten from my father.
In the end, I guess I will be the better MAN. I will pick up the phone tomorrow, call my little fuck tard of a father and be the person he needs. Now that is something!
This is the first time I have put it down on paper, but I think I have a problem when it comes to masturbation. I jack off at least once a day at work, sometimes even more. I go into the restroom with my iphone and look up all kind of pornography. I always masturbate to a movie, but sometime I start with a few pictures. I am usually gone for an hour and I try to do it over my lunch hour. I am sure there are people who think they know what I am doing, or have some kind of speculation, but I have not been caught yet. This has gone on for years now. I think the first time I did it was 8 years ago, maybe more. I have a problem, and I have no idea how to correct it. I am hesitate even putting it into this blog. No one reads this except me, Laura just found out about it today (5/1/14). I don't talk about it with anyone. I have made up excuses in the past as to why I disappear for an hour each day. What do I do? Who do I talk to? Do I just suck it up and say be a man about it. Quite doing this shit, get your head out of your ass??? Maybe actually putting it down somewhere will help. Man I hope so, I guess we will see tomorrow.
Now to the real reason I starting writing in this blog again. Today is May 1st, 2014. My biological father moved back to Des Moines in November of 2012. He was very sick (I think), and his sister who he has lived with for how ever many years kicked him out and said he could not come back. He had no place to go, no where to live. His mother died in 1995, he lived in her house for a number of years. But then my mother was able to take his house, because he never paid child support for my sisters and I. He is a worthless asshole. He had a wife, he had a family in Iowa. He just picked up one day when I was 5 or 6 and decided he didn't want to do it any more. He hardly ever called me, I would visit him from time to time, but I have never really had a relationship with him. I really just don't have any feelings for him other than I feel sorry for him and I know I never ever want to be anything like him. He lives in a tiny one room shit hole apartment (3 blocks from my parents' house). He is on constant dialysis. He is on permanent disability, so not a lot of money coming in. No car, no job, no life. I mean, how does he live???
My sister is going out of town this weekend, and she would like me to take my phone to the grocery store so he can get food. She will actually be gone the next 2 weekends, so I will have to take him more than once. The problem with this, is he doesn't call me, he hardly ever calls me. He and I's relationship has not really changed since he moved here. It is not my job to call him, he needs something, he needs to call me. I need absolutely nothing from him!!!! So, what do I do? Should I call him, do I really need to call this worthless piece of shit hermit? I believe I have to, man this fucking sucks!!!! I don't want to call him, I want him to realize and tell me he is sorry. He is sorry he was never there for me. He is sorry I look up to my best friend's father more than my own old man. He is sorry I yelled a my mother because I thought he didn't love me. He is sorry he went to Florida, Colorado, and Arizona. He is grateful for my sisters, because if it was up to me he could rot in Arizona.
I have to great and wonderful boys of my own. If my father has taught me anything, and I do mean anything, it is that I need to be there for my boys. A father is not just the guy who had sex with your mother. A father is the guy you look up to, the guy who shows you how to play sports, the guy you fear will beat the crap out of you, the guy who loves you no matter what you do. He tucks you in at night, he plays ball with you, he takes you to the ball game. You have the feeling nothing can or will hurt you when he is around. He may be a dick from time to time but you know for a fact if you ever really get in the shit, he will be the first one to help you out. THIS IS WHAT I STRIVE FOR, it is also what I have never gotten from my father.
In the end, I guess I will be the better MAN. I will pick up the phone tomorrow, call my little fuck tard of a father and be the person he needs. Now that is something!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)